Holy Week

Introduction

I decided to go on a change of tack for this week seeing as it is Holy Week and many people will be embarking on the journey I went on, because there are elements that are quite relevant even in this phase of mental health difficulties I have experienced in the past while, but also there is the opportunity of redemption, and I suppose healing also.  I was cleaning the oven earlier and I had ideas on how to write this and I've totally forgotten, so this could go in any direction.

A History 

As you may have gathered - if you have read my profile, I am Catholic, and proudly so within humble reason.  This wasn't always the case.  I was raised in a not particularly religious household, although I was baptised (I think) by the Protestant Free Church in Bootle - this has relevance later.  I think I was about 3 or 4 I had my own first direct religious experience, which I won't divulge here.  My schooling with respect to infants and primary schools was done in the local relevant Thomas Gray's schools, and while at that time there were religious teachings they were I suppose multi-denominational due to the potential mixture of Catholics and Protestants - although at that time Catholics would have more likely gone to St James.  During primary school, there was an introduction given about the Boy's Brigade which a few of us in our area gained a bit of interest in, in which meetings took place in the local Church of England church, St Leonard's - of which didn't particularly please my Mam as they had refused to baptise me due to my parent's not going to church, hence my baptismal church.  Incidentally, my first church service was when I was about 5 or 6 when I was brought over to Bankhall Mission on Knowsley Road, and left there by my Dad.

As I started going through secondary school, interest in the Boy's Brigade began to wane, and only became an option to play a bit of competitive football, and I suppose by the age of 13 or 14, I would have stopped going to any church services.  This was further heightened when I was 14 when Hillsborough happened, and had 'practically' given up on any thought of God.  One of the few teachers to - I suppose - come to my aid, was my Maths teacher Miss Cook who persuaded me to start going back to church, and I didn't know where to start really 'to give God another chance'.  I guess in some respects, I was coming to some realisation of who I was at least partly in a political sense, but also in a nationalistic sense, and wasn't particularly willing to go back to 'stuffy' Church of England services, and the thought of me going to Mass at St James wouldn't have a bit reprehensible to my parents (although my Dad was from a mixed marriage - and had at times attended Mass with mates previously, so I guess he wouldn't have been so bad), it was to Bankhall Mission I returned to as it was highly convenient.  I wouldn't have been a regular in a weekly sense, but I was a fairly often attender probably until my last 6 months in secondary school where I was catching up on work that I didn't do previously as a fall-out of Hillsborough.

Post Secondary School and Catholicism

I am not certain where my original draw to the Catholic Church came from particularly as I was going into the army.  I suppose one aspect was that I was way more aware of my Irishness at this point.  A second one, was that I would practice golf shots on the field that adjoins Thomas Gray and St James, and there was at least one chance conversation I had with the then Parish Priest Fr. Lyndsey who was well reputed to be a nice man - of which I found out to my own personal experience.  He would make a subsequent call to my parent's house from that meeting that I didn't know about.

When I went into the Army first time, it was mandatory that we went to church on a Sunday, and although on my joining papers etc that said I was protestant (or wrongly, Church of England), I decided that I would start going to Mass, and this would have continues as long as it was mandatory.  Upon leaving the army, I would have continued irregularly going to Mass until my late teens.  I remember being at Mass in St James and being totally overawed by the order of Mass, it's joyful solemnity, and in a sense the camaraderie in the shaking of hands which you wouldn't get in other services.  (Initially leaving the army I had looked into 'taking lessons' to become Catholic in a neighbouring parish in Bootle because I guess shyness prevented me from doing in my own parish.)

Going into the army the second time there was no room for any sort of religion, which would have continued throughout university also, and would have then described myself as agnostic or atheist, and probably didn't set foot in a church until I attended a wedding with my now wife.  The next time was likely my own son's baptism, and perhaps something small began to grow from there because when it came to my son's first Holy Communion, the switch had been flicked completely.  This was borne out of Jürgen Klopp and him being able to have religious beliefs alongside socialism, and this was something that felt affirming to me due to the big assertion that people on the political left are 'Godless'.

RCIA

After my son's first Holy Communion I started attending Mass again, and wrote to our then Parish Priest Fr. Mark English to explain my history and my positioning, who then informed me about RCIA, of which I was only too pleased to start attending; I couldn't wait for it to begin and would take the form of Saturday morning classes in Ashbourne.  In fairness classes took slightly different form to what I was expecting, as I'd expected to be ruthlessly learning prayers and praying, and while there was some of that - of course - what we learned about and spoke about in classes was highly interesting, with some early classes incorporating scientific theory and how it relates to scripture.  This I felt to satisfy all areas of my main thinking coming from a Pharmacology background.  My initial weeks were also engaged in how the end of the process of RCIA would look.  If I was baptised in 'standard' form: In the name of the Father...  Then I would only have to do confirmation at Pentecost, but because I couldn't subsequently prove that I was baptised (records had apparently been water damaged by flooding), I would have to do full baptism and my Confirmation at the Easter Vigil Mass.  Initially, this felt a little disheartening (for want of a better word), but I am bursting with joy that I actually did this in the end - and remember back to how I was feeling this time in 2023.  In December 2022, I slipped bringing my son to crechè, and fractured my skull.  when doing this, I thought I was about to die, and during this I had my second direct religious experience (yes, saving this for another time also), so I am in absolutely no doubt now considering the phases I had been through previously.

Post-RCIA and Mental Health

I continued going to Mass etc for about a year or so, and a couple of things happened with me that caused me to fall away from the church, and it's hard to call them out in any sort of order as they pretty much go hand-in-hand.  In April 2024, I was awarded a promotion in my work on a programme to retrain into ICT.  Also at this point, I was also coming off medication (Olanzipine and Sertraline) which I' been on for many years that was keeping me at a relatively stable state on the recommendation of my GP.  Although, I always knew I needed this, I wanted to prove doctors wrong, but also I was then in a good place so if I did succeed then fair enough also because no one wants to take medication they don't have to.  There was also the need for me to have sharper thinking for my training which would be quite intense anyway.  I was also back in the office every day.  It was my intention to return to attending Mass once training was over (and hopefully my two exams passed) at Advent.  As Advent and Christmas came and went, it was at this point I was really feeling tired and definitely depressed. I'd also got signs early on that I wasn't wanted in that department, and this came to fruition by both the team I was allocated and eventual final notice that my promotion wasn't being ratified. By the time this decision was made in March 2025 I had already spent time off work. This was formally appealed, and subsequently my appeal was upheld without formal action taking place.

Opportunity arrived to move out into a new department which I took - to my own further detriment. As things were going on, I transpired to require a cholesectomy which I received in June 2025.  While off work I looked to reconcile through Confirmation, which didn't go as I'd expected and felt further upset. I didn't ever think there would be a way back for me. I returned to work, and went on my summer holiday soon after, but in the period after returning from surgery and the start of October my mental health dipped further as a result of treatment I was getting at work from various quarters - I am still working at some sort of conclusion to this on a couple of fronts and still off work at the writing of this.  I was also diagnosed with ADHD a day before my birthday.  In the meantime, my son has been working towards Confirmation, and while he needed to attend Mass, it has been left to me to attend with him. Over Christmas, I decided that I was going to start attending Mass regularly, and was doing so without receiving the Eucharist - in writing I realised that this was my biggest draw to the Catholic Church in the first place (I did know this but forgot) - and I suppose the cleanest way of saying without being humourously smutty, is that it's like drinking non-alcoholic beer - or anything non-alcoholic that should be [sic] alcoholic . In the lead-up to Lent and including Ash Wednesday I spoke with the Parish Priest regarding my position. I subsequently made confession, and I am now back in Communion with the church. 

Over Lent a couple of personal things happened on top of the things that have been happening to me that put me in to a decision to return to Liverpool to ponder my future. I didn't know if I was going to return back to Ireland. The 2+ weeks I had in Liverpool helped to reset me in some respects, and in a sense has given me a new calling so to speak - perhaps related to my last direct experience?  I feel attending Mass at St James again has helped especially I am now being more appropriately medicated, and my mental state is slowly improving.  I still shed a tear or two with regards to what I have missed out on spiritually at least, because there is a realisation of where I am at home.

Conclusion

I suppose it is here I want to throw things out to a wider audience and hopefully find some answers and maybe some remedies. I often see posts on Facebook (so you do wonder about authenticity) with people with ADHD having problems with their spiritual life.  In my own experience I don't per se as long as my mental health is ok, but I do find it quite hard to remember the amount of prayers there are in the Catholic faith, and I suppose I feel a sense of overwhelm. That did creep in with me a wee bit after RCIA.  I don't know how this may play out in other religions too, say Islam, where the recital of large texts is required and particularly if Arabic isn't the first language?  In a spiritual sense, I would like to learn Latin, and in that sense, historically I don't tend to be that good learning other languages especially if I'm not using regularly, and there are other languages I would like to learn aside of Latin i.e. Gaelige - of which I know a bit of, and Italian.